expecting rain

Coming Home Trying

2011-10-25T21:34:00.000-07:00

(a chorus, i even got me a little melody to go with it)

Bound but not by chains
tighten up these boots, grab hold of these reigns
I'm worth more than if I had died
Had miles of crying; moonshine and lying
Now shake the dust
I'm coming home trying

They fall when they're dead

2010-11-14T12:34:00.001-08:00

Restless lovers lie in bed
Legs tangled up, sheets, thoughts in our heads
We wouldn’t know what to do with the morning if it came
Tomorrow will come as soon as I let it drop
All I want is silence
But then comes the rain and it won’t stop

Bad thoughts over me
Your hands on my shoulders
Let go let them drop
Clouds move in and hover overhead
Like leaves in October
They fall when they’re dead

I’ve done some things I wouldn’t do again
Not even once more for fun
This truth doesn’t give
you a reason to imprison me
a why for the shame
or the nighttime riots
finding it hard to find something to do
with my hands when they’re not fighting you
sooner or later they’re bound to go quiet

Bad thoughts over me
Your hands on my shoulders
Let go let them drop
Clouds move in and hover overhead
Like leaves in October
They fall when they’re dead

I’ve been told I’m redeemed
Years of the story unfolding before me
Not a day goes by I am not giving thanks
You’ve done more than I thought
We done alright together
We’ve seen a hell of a lot
I don’t know how much I’ve lost
But love, love you are what I’ve got

Binds that tie

2010-11-14T12:16:00.001-08:00

We cut the binds that tie
Stars to the sky
Truth to the lies
All we aren’t made up of in pain
Fear is taking
Up all our time don’t you think

Tell me when to say when
To people the ones who take and don’t give
Back to back time and space
I don’t want to let you go
Family
But my mason jars are full because of you
I’ll be here waiting for your return to real
And the learning of grace
something other than you

We cut the binds that tie
Stars to the sky
Truth to the lies
All we aren’t made up of in pain
Fear is taking
Up all our time don’t you think

Victory just a word
Without sword or blood
Your one of them that’s never seen it
I’ve got will and I’ve got choice
None of this you can take without a yes
You don’t get to see me at my best
But I do
And it’s more than any of us know
Now go find it and shake it till it rings

We cut the binds that tie
Stars to the sky
Truth to the lies
All we aren’t made up of in pain
Fear is taking
Up all our time don’t you think

Try to be nice and I try to be kind
Somehow that gives you a reason to see me invisible
See me in beige
I am full of life beyond what you could dream
Stretch out this tent over a frost field moon
Let in the stars till we can’t let it in no more
Me without all of you and your ruin will run in the snow
Shouting our heat up to the sky
Goodbye goodbye goodbye

Dirge Song

2010-08-02T12:00:00.001-07:00

Wearing it; a fat man’s coat, a feral cat in heat; a long Indian Summer
Prickly and ruling the hairs on my neck with its fascist wool and no November
Mourning and memory are a venomous drink in anyone’s possession
The under-pockets of both arms stick to my body sides over and under
Slipping and the wet whines for the mercy of air or absence of hurt
Slapping at the back of my hair is a wooden stick and a drunk mans hand
Pouring my insides out, like a morning beer; garbage can not dream or stand
Vile steel wire words inflict into child marrow and spirit; a little body in a vice
Mute substitutes for screams, raised veins, rage and kick cans; a stationary revolt
Amend me, this and that and anything that will stick to my skin and the dirge song.

Cinnamon Air

2010-07-23T12:37:00.000-07:00

When you’re feeling fit and full of fight
Flowing streams of respect from the all the worlds cup
But it’s the loneliness that seeps in late, keeping you up
Whatever you thought was right
Can’t say you didn’t think it was wrong
Everybody thinks they’ve found what you got
Knowing full well you’ve stolen what they bought

Child, when you’re far gone, far away for a long one
Out with the dark and out with the dirt
I’ll be patiently awaiting you and your bags
all of your kinds of hurt
Sitting in a back porch kind of chair
Breathing your name in the cinnamon air

Wildwood flowers can’t grow without sun
And neither can you when you hide and you run
Off in the distance there’s a whipping wind growing
Covers the signs, hides away the highways coming
Curl up in my lap and I’ll see that you stay
Close to me sweetheart, close to my chest
But this is all just a dream cause it hasn’t happened yet

Child, when you’re far gone, far away for a long one
Out with the dark and out with the dirt
I’ll be patiently awaiting you and your bags
and all of your kinds of hurt
Sitting in a back porch kind of chair
Breathing your name in the cinnamon air

you'll want to remember this

2010-07-19T11:24:00.000-07:00

never forget this aching in your shoulders, the tight soreness in both wrists from walking with metal sticks. hop, hop, hop...stop. catch your breath. shake wrists. curse the distance of a block.

the acute energy put into the required notification of all curbs, backpack straps, seating assignments, and stray legs on the bus. (guarding your weakness with striker like positioning i might add)

the downward free fall of all fluid and blood gorging itself in your left ankle.
resulting in a drunken-headache-feeling not dissimilar to just giving blood and my foot falling asleep. heavy as lead and feeling about 3x it's size.

no longer are sitting, standing, walking or getting around automatic thoughts. but come about after careful observations of each and every sidewalk, door and stair. (work brain work)

right leg, thank you for your unwavering support and balance. bravo!

and you! your mother like disposition tells me I should be remembering grace and human limitations. culminating in dependence on you. oh and i do,i do. i am delicate as grass; origins of dust and i have no right to assume tomorrow will not swipe me clean. but you have given me all the rights to breath and live and walk. and thanks for not letting me fall.

(a big, big thank you!)

You're Everywhere

2010-07-19T11:21:00.000-07:00

If I were to swiftly ride a top a blazing star hell bent on glory and death, or to hold my breath and pinch both eyes under dark waters, adamant on sinking, or let all the atoms and synergy of my strongest muscles carry me out to dunes of sand desiring isolation, or climb an ancient redwood to the very top where there is no more tree wanting to fall, or curl up into a childlike position and hide under layers of sediment wishing to be alone, I couldn’t then nor can not now escape the all encompassing, inescapable,loving presence of our God, from Everlasting to Everlasting. Amen.

The Wild

2010-06-18T20:32:00.001-07:00

You wanted me gutted
And cursing you with sunscreen on
Throwing my rage around like I was on fire
Coming through in my shaking shoulders
Under my dripping chin catching tears

When driving this morning through
Tentative and timid fog
I gently requested your presence
And recollection of wisdom
For my good measure and happy little day
Oh and you did
From beach to beach recklessly tearing to and fro
Behind my steering wheel
And music to calm
A fool’s quest for peace

Instead, in order from softest to loudest
Infuriated beats from chest cavity to fists and back again
I hated to see this come up within my clean, neat self
Because I am of light and am a nice person
Now here I am throwing and yelling
Rage even makes my throat sore
And body shakes like a fault line
But I drive on in search of sand and a drink
Or peace, which ever comes first

Ok you got me, hands up and cursing your help
Screw the beach I just want a train to go back home
In a hotel parking lot, hating being a girl
Don’t do anything about the dried tear tracks on my cheeks
Two lips are tight in defiance of your pruning
Sensibilities offended and ego threatened by holy might
All because I call myself first

You did answer my prayer from Highway 1
It wasn’t in the slightest manner romantic or well behaved
But I saw my graves and felt my dry bones
I have a limp, maybe worse
Uncurling my fingers to grope for you
Unstring me from the tree or let me bat around in the wind
But thanks for not ignoring my pathetic state
Next time I politely ask for your presence
I will close both eyes in trust and prepare to meet with the wild.

A city that won't bring me down

2010-06-04T22:33:00.001-07:00

Bring me down a city that won’t bring me down
I only got these two walking feet
And the breath that goes around my head
Don’t keep taking from me
The things I haven’t found yet

Shame on you and your seven hills
For putting city limits on me
See I am not numbers, not concrete or transfers
We are people with toes and with dreams
Rebels and lovers
Not meant to march in single file streams

Bring me down a city that won’t bring me down
I only got these two walking feet
And the breath that goes around my head
Don’t keep taking from me
The things I haven’t found yet

You may be made of wood and steel
Not skin and heat or things that feel
We live in numbers but walk alone
Troubadours; you call them here
To try and find what we’re looking for
To yell and scream that I just want to be me
Have just enough of joy to want more

Bring me down a city that won’t bring me down
I only got these two walking feet
And the breath that goes around my head
Don’t keep taking from me
The things I haven’t found yet

Rows of waves and seas of clocks
You came to me with liquor and rocks
And I came to you with just about the same
I see the fingers behind your back
No such thing as too much black
We are not alone
We just need rest

Maybe the fogs shuffles in
Riding on Pacific Coast wind
Trembling city, I’m scared too
But we’ll climb and we’ll climb
Until our climb is all through

Two Stepping in a Two Step Mine

2010-04-13T21:55:00.000-07:00

Baby don’t ask me to dance
They’ve already played the last song
I took no chance
the way you held my gaze
the way you hold my neck
You said I was free to walk
Why’s it always rocks and pillow talk

One step forward and ten thousand miles to go
I’m not walking backwards out a backwards door
Stray dogs are determined to roam
Front porch light’s about to go out
I’m far too far from home

Gravel and shackles double time
We’re two stepping in a two step mine
Made of sand and made of fear
Settle on down, sit right here
I’d make you walk the dried out earth
to prove a point that you are used
That even the dirt was better than you
Ashes and wine
We’re two stepping in a two step mine

First one to leave

2010-04-08T11:18:00.001-07:00

Wonder if some stars feel used from wishing
If rosaries assume the status of whores
God, tired from being bored
With them and us; dumb musings
Digging dirt and tilling earth
Spinning stories and twirling words
Staying and singing the same song
Past the end of the party
Past the end of the mourning
Mumbling, cursing about that time we prayed
Fables of hope, rain and birthday cake
Come on now, show yourself!
Bite your tongue and bow your knee
If you’re really here, why are you the first one to leave …

Tired of feeling dead

2010-04-08T10:58:00.000-07:00

Barbed wire and iron
Un-refined and set out to line dry
Two-step on my toes and run through fire
Bone colored skin with no form
Overburdened with wet clothes, most are torn
Come on over, my dear, my devil
Blow your dirty air, blow your horn
It’s a wailing, moaning sky over head
Baby, it’s not that I hate you.
I’m just tired of feeling dead.

Kiwi's before bed

2010-03-27T18:12:00.000-07:00

Kiwis before bed and I’m somewhere else
Other than at a half lit desk on a Wednesday
Other than in March
The month of suspense
Smacks of jolly ranchers and the blacktop in third grade
Before it got bad
Perfectly happy to form an exotic circle of black seeds
No doubt contemplated the hurry of an apple, the rush of a grape
It wasn’t always like this nor was it always sad
Licking of wounds only every other second
Darting flickers of a childhood reel without any power
Without someone to feel
Their hands or their breath to say it’s ok
Kiwis and I’m stuck here and still there
Digging and plotting finding forget
But it’s March and I’m passing the time
It’s March and I’m not there yet

I've just learned how to sing

2010-03-27T17:49:00.001-07:00

I’m not playing king anymore
My play chest is put back, all crowns on the floor
Mounds and mounds of crude graves quiet from evacuation
I’m bare feet and laughing
Out the door running
Just stole a box of love without intentions of returning
I can’t fix something like this
Or give it some name
But my eyes do see those holes and I sit and stare
And wonder out loud why I would ever want to stay
Where the darkest of dark doesn’t hold a candle to that night
Things where there are no names for that kind of pain
I’ll scream it and holler it upwards and onwards
Till I can’t see them anymore
Till I can’t feel the death of their teeth and want to consol
Every whisper that I’ve never been good anymore
A cage only locks when there’s something inside
Unfortunately I can not be stopped now
Clear my throat now to breathe
I'm ready enough
I’ve just learned how to sing

After there's been crying

2010-03-27T17:24:00.000-07:00

Till the day that I die I will be born
You can’t have a rose without pricking on thorns
Most things are better after there’s been crying
Like a kid cold from snow, now warm from the drying
Pour the water over my head and see the doves flying
I’m singing and I’m staying
There are roads for someone else to run
Not my turn anymore and I hope that I’m done
I’ll sing and hold hands
You’ll be mine every time you come through that door
And I’ll be yours, yes I’m yours
until there’s no more.

Dancing slow dancing

2010-03-27T17:11:00.001-07:00

It’s shaky and it’s slipping
Its gun fights and it’s kissing
Out of my back pocket
Still trying to figure out if it’s a genie in a bottle
And what it wants from me hour to hour
It’s not safe, not even a little
Sometimes I wish I didn’t care so much
To be slayed with red roses and wine in a jug
Told over and over that your enough is enough
But it’s I love you, say yes
And you’re not going to fall
It’s dancing, slow dancing
With someone I don’t know at all

Some birds

2010-03-19T20:58:00.001-07:00

Some birds collect their patience when caught in a wind gust
Flailing and bodies strained half open
Others relinquish their autonomy and wait
Simultaneously battling for first
Heat and pulse place themselves in acceptance calling
In surrender falling

I welcome you Love

2009-12-08T20:51:00.000-08:00

To me who takes so seriously
without every intention of reciprocity
I bid you farewell
open season on generosity
free bidding towards caring
and actually doing the things I'm intending
goodnight and adieu
to you who cares more
for the satisfaction of others
than the forever standing
truth of our Father
Hello and good-morning to me
becoming everything I never meant to be
to you now ready with candles
and flint
finally bleeding; standing up
sunburst and daylight
I welcome you Love
and Good-Bye to the Night.

I am

2009-11-03T22:25:00.000-08:00

Rage and rise
O Sleeper
O Adversary
unclench both fists
stand down and
raise your eyes
for I am on your side
daughter
I AM.

Spark and Sparrow

2009-11-03T21:36:00.001-08:00

Await the Giver...
only dirt holds its seed
and wax its wick
which can not be a light alone
which can not be roots with home
so still I receive

I refuse the white flag
my lover is the fight
Death before life
night comes heavy breathing
so still Love in strife

a fire when begun
first flint
to spark
composed in black
then to gray
so still the sparrow
so still the day

To have and to hold

2009-11-03T21:28:00.000-08:00

All things:
all leaves, trees
paper that's green
could never fill it
no July sky
not under it, nor over it
either the entire human race
the place in between
sleep and awake
of promise and forsake
of dreams and of me
this wheel's on fire
my arms have been wide open
my eyes have been wide shut
all my will
all my won't
before new, after old
not equal to my
will have and will hold

I want You

2009-08-30T12:25:00.000-07:00

I want you with singing

No longer weeping

I want you with dancing

No longer rummaging

I want you with peace

No longer fear

I want you from beginning to end

No longer in pieces

I want you to surrender

No longer armed

I want you to call me Home

No longer searching on that road

I want you My Beloved

No longer be alone.

It's alive ?

2009-08-06T21:38:00.000-07:00

Idealism was layed to rest in its Sunday best
Motionless, breathing shallow breaths
Taking with it decent ideals and humanitarian pursuits
Now followed by Passion and Imagination
Lusting, grasping, moaning
For a chance to jump and gasp---
Screaming: “I am alive!”